Comedian Quotes

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Alan King If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to... Alan King Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with ... Alan King You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifte... Alan King Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your frie... A. Whitney Brown The past actually happened but history is only what someon... Bill Cosby I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is... Bill Cosby When you become senile, you won't know it.... Bill Cosby You can turn painful situations around through laughter. I... Bill Cosby Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older,... Bill Cosby In order to succeed, your desire for success should be gre... Bill Cosby A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones ... Bill Maher Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - ... Bill Maher The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.... Bill Maher Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three woul... Billy Connolly Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bic... Bob Hope If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recrea... Bob Hope Middle age is when your age starts to show around your mid... Bob Hope You know you are getting old when the candles cost more th... Bob Hope A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other g... Bob Hope I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's ... Chris Rock You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.... David Letterman Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the bi... Dennis Miller I rant, therefore I am.... Dennis Miller Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right t... Dennis Miller A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is r... Dick Gregory In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a ... Dick Gregory We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, becau... E. B. White Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are ... E. B. White Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half o... E. B. White I see nothing in space as promising as the view from a Fer... E. B. White Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whol... E. B. White I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve th... E. B. White Thurber did not write the way a surgeon operates, he wrote... E. B. White A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer... He unzips ... Ellen DeGeneres People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, n... Ellen DeGeneres My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she w... Emo Philips When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicy... Emo Philips A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for ... Flip Wilson You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few... Fred Allen What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?... Fred Allen Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.... George Burns You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get ol... George Burns I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.... George Burns I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something... George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark.... George Carlin What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you g... Groucho Marx Humor is reason gone mad.... Groucho Marx Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.... Groucho Marx I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.... Groucho Marx I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.... Henry Youngman The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.... Henry Youngman Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman... Jack Benny Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and... James Thurber Love is what you've been through with somebody.... James Thurber Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can ... Jay Leno If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I d... Jay Leno For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than ... Jay Leno I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like som... Jay Leno The reason there are two senators for each state is so tha... Jay Leno According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get mo... Jay Leno Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the ... Jay Leno President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary... Jay Leno CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman i... Jay Leno President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. B... Jay Leno According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat... Jay Leno President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice... Jay Leno On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in offi... Jay Leno After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a... Jay Leno Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his de... Jay Leno Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he g... Jay Leno Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is... Jay Leno An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palest... Jay Leno Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor... Jay Leno Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly H... Jay Leno Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee ... Jay Leno This is a busy time for President Clinton. Not only does h... Jay Leno A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. ... Jay Leno It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get ... Jay Leno More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes... Jay Leno Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bomb... Jay Leno The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to ... Jay Leno The Bush administration said today there is a lot of suppo... Jay Leno My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper o... Jay Leno Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Ext... Jay Leno I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much... Jay Leno As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make ... Jay Leno CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Ira... Jay Leno Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reac... Jay Leno In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with ... Jay Leno It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yes... Jay Leno President Bush said the other day the war is not about tim... Jay Leno Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate.... Jay Leno Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost o... Jay Leno The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 tr... Jay Leno There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central ... Jay Leno There was another war-related casualty today. The French w... Jay Leno U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in I... Jay Leno We have an important decision to make now about who contro... Jay Leno Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not ... Jay Leno Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Wel... Jay Leno You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. ... Jay Leno George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a da... Jay Leno For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber avera... Jay Leno Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to giv... Jay Leno Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradabl... Jay Leno The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that d... Jay Leno It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gr... Jay Leno Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elec... Jay Leno Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the... Jay Leno Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate onc... Jay Leno In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beg... Jay Leno It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his... Jay Leno Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. The... Jay Leno Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doin... Jay Leno Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate th... Jay Leno The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't... Jay Leno Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating li... Jay Leno President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspecto... Jay Leno The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. ... Jay Leno John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts... Jay Leno This Ken Starr report is now posted on the Internet. I'll ... Jay Leno Do you know what White House correspondents call actors wh... Jay Leno Tom Brokaw is leaving. Dan Rather is leaving. You realize ... Joan Rivers Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else,... Joan Rivers If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the flo... Joe E. Lewis I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won... Joey Adams A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife... Jonathan Winters I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.... Josh Billings Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.... Josh Billings Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest ... Josh Billings Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is eve... Josh Billings Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are ne... Josh Billings There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.... Josh Billings About the most originality that any writer can hope to ach... Josh Billings The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets th... Josh Billings There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothin... Josh Billings Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing tho... Lenny Bruce If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school... Margaret Smith If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."... Mel Brooks Humor is just another defense against the universe.... Mel Brooks Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that... Paula Poundstone I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother... Phyllis Diller Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.... P. J. O'Rourke When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the... P. J. O'Rourke Giving money and power to government is like giving whiske... P. J. O'Rourke Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is... P. J. O'Rourke The Democrats are the party that says government will make... Rita Rudner Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd ste... Rita Rudner I love being married. It's so great to find that one speci... Rita Rudner Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriag... Rita Rudner In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.... Robin Williams Carpe per diem - seize the check.... Robin Williams Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"... Rodney Dangerfield I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke... Spike Milligan My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic... Steve Martin You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen ... Steven Wright On the other hand, you have different fingers.... Steven Wright My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.... Steven Wright I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem abou... Steven Wright I like to reminisce with people I don't know.... Steven Wright I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.... Steven Wright I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.... Steven Wright I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went b... Steven Wright When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.... Steven Wright Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that s... Steven Wright What's another word for Thesaurus?... Steven Wright If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we ... Steven Wright I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written a... Steven Wright George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bri... Steven Wright I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lig... Steven Wright I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so... Steven Wright I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got ... Steven Wright I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home n... Steven Wright When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, D... Steven Wright When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicks... Steven Wright I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.... Steven Wright I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.... Steven Wright In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the r... Steven Wright I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my law... Steven Wright I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy any... Steven Wright I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his frie... Steven Wright I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who l... Steven Wright Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small count... Steven Wright I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fa... Steven Wright If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was i... Steven Wright The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved t... Steven Wright Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder ho... Steven Wright A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid ... Steven Wright Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.... Steven Wright I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothe... Steven Wright There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. ... Steven Wright I invented the cordless extension cord.... Steven Wright My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he make... Steven Wright How young can you die of old age?... Steven Wright It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's alway... Steven Wright I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a s... Steven Wright I intend to live forever. So far, so good.... Steven Wright There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on t... Steven Wright I think God's going to come down and pull civilization ove... Steven Wright I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't par... Steven Wright If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?... Steven Wright When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did y... Steven Wright Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?... Steven Wright Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time... Steven Wright I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.... Steven Wright I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"... Steven Wright If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have t... Steven Wright The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can... Steven Wright Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box ... Steven Wright I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. The... Steven Wright I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.... Steven Wright Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of w... Steven Wright Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.... Steven Wright Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it... Steven Wright I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear ... Steven Wright Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID... Steven Wright I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.... Steven Wright Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? ... Steven Wright For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... ... Steven Wright I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep... Steven Wright I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get ... Steven Wright I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.... Steven Wright I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have... Steven Wright I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime... Steven Wright I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the pre... Steven Wright I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they le... Steven Wright If God dropped acid, would he see people?... Steven Wright If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.... Steven Wright It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, i... Steven Wright It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint i... Steven Wright Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards... Steven Wright My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in ... Steven Wright My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not nake... Steven Wright My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.... Steven Wright Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.... Steven Wright The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.... Steven Wright When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if ... Steven Wright You can't have everything. Where would you put it?... Steven Wright I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.... Steven Wright If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?... Steven Wright If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a... Steven Wright I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when ... Steven Wright Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just st... Steven Wright If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed o... Steven Wright I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know wha... Steven Wright I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms... Steven Wright I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not... Steven Wright I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.... Steven Wright Is it weird in here, or is it just me?... Steven Wright So, do you live around here often?... W. C. Fields I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.... W. C. Fields Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.... W. C. Fields Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.... W. C. Fields If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. ...

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