| Albert Einstein |
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a sec...
|
| Albert Einstein |
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;...
|
| Harry S. Truman |
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog....
|
| Bill Cosby |
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones ...
|
| Bob Hope |
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other g...
|
| Casey Stengel |
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plent...
|
| Dave Barry |
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, ...
|
| Dave Barry |
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cho...
|
| Dennis Miller |
I rant, therefore I am....
|
| Ellen DeGeneres |
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, n...
|
| Ellen DeGeneres |
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she w...
|
| Emo Philips |
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for ...
|
| Fran Lebowitz |
You're only has good as your last haircut....
|
| Fred Allen |
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?...
|
| Fred Allen |
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare....
|
| George Burns |
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday....
|
| George Carlin |
Weather forecast for tonight: dark....
|
| George Carlin |
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you g...
|
| Groucho Marx |
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member....
|
| Groucho Marx |
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury....
|
| Jay Leno |
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly H...
|
| Joan Rivers |
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the flo...
|
| Lily Tomlin |
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should...
|
| Lily Tomlin |
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the quest...
|
| Lily Tomlin |
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in...
|
| Mark Twain |
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist....
|
| Paula Poundstone |
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother...
|
| Rita Rudner |
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk....
|
| Samuel Goldwyn |
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography unti...
|
| Spike Milligan |
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic...
|
| Steven Wright |
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included....
|
| Steven Wright |
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my law...
|
| Steven Wright |
I intend to live forever. So far, so good....
|
| W. C. Fields |
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally....
|
| W. C. Fields |
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with....
|
| Woody Allen |
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reason...
|
| Woody Allen |
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I wan...
|
| Zsa Zsa Gabor |
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house...
|